It's been 3 years and 9 months.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I have always believed that one of the fundamental elements in a long-lasting relationship is
mutual respect.
Bound to fail, he said to me today. And when in defense I said that
many entrepreneurs have failed countless times before they succeeded too, he said that there were some who failed all the way and never succeeded. And that I might be
one of them.
Just weeks ago, he said that he couldn't picture me being in a managerial position at all because I cannot lead.
I don't know how the complete mental image he has of me is like.. but from the bits and pieces I've picked up so far, I don't think I'd like to know. It seems very different from my self-perception, and perhaps, my closest friends' perceptions of me...
Is it because I've shared too much of the emotional side of me? Is it because more often than not, I'd let my heart rule and be irrational, simply because I chose Love over Logic? Is it because I'm not even resolute in taking my stand when we fight and just let it slide, time and again? Or is it because I've shown him my most vulnerable side - my fears, my worries, my insecurities?
True enough, he has been far more capable than I have ever been. Local university, great grades, active executive committee member and cell director in ECA, a well-respected leader in camps, a captain.
We did the same course in uni and studied in the same college, and his results just proved that my hard work is incomparable with his intellect. It doesn't matter that I scored straight As for my Os, because he says it doesn't count since I failed in college. It doesn't matter that I had distinctions for 3/4 of my degree because it was a private school. It doesn't matter that at an age of 19 and yes it was a short stint, but I successfully set up my own blog shop selling hand-made accessories, which my parents were so proud of.
It has been 3 years and 9 months since I entrusted my heart to this man. Strangely, it seems to me that as our relationship grows older, he treats it with less. Less respect, less tenderness, less care. He knows that I've always valued the words he say but he doesn't make the least effort to rephrase them to become constructive comments instead of demeaning words. He knows that I won't take kindly to deprecating words that make me seem less capable than I really am, but he still says them all the same.
He doesn't understand that I get so disappointed when he does such things. He doesn't know that up till today, when he reaches out for my hand as we walk, when he holds my waist, when he turns to make sure I'm following behind him, it still makes my heart skip a beat. He doesn't know that when we fight and I cry, it is not to gain pity, but because my heart would contract and it hurts a lot.
He doesn't know that in everything I do, I put him before myself unknowingly.
Happy 45th monthversary, my love.
♥ my red umbrella
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