Tuesday, October 31, 2006
it's not that i want to add on to the already-tremendous load he has on his shoulders.
i understand, completely, the ardous task of having to churn out a lump sum of money for my brother's education, amidst paying for our high living expenses.
he dont necessarily have to go through all these, to give us what we want at the expense of himself.
i admit that im not the best daughter in the world.
he always claims that i am too simple-minded for my own good, but i didnt take heed - i didnt see anything wrong with simplicity.
i think i've hurt him deeply with my senseless thoughts again.
tonight, i broached the topic on wanting to own a car. again.
deep down i know that it is impossible, but i argued with him as though it isnt.
in my heart i had held onto that tiny speck of hope, even though i knew clearly that our financial status wouldnt allow it to happen.
he doesnt say a word, but i understand the silence between us.
he has been trying to give us the very best all the time, always going out of his way to give in to our demands.
he is getting older, but the load on his shoulders doesnt get any lighter.
my brother's leaving for aussie in about a year's time, but my dad has only saved enough for a year's expenses.
my brother cant stop talking abt it, he has been incessantly discussing exchange rates, bank accounts, accomodation fees etc. with my dad - i know it adds on to the pressure, but my dad simply swallows it and reciprocates the enthusiasm.
he has always been very patient with our demands and requests, but tonight i didnt even spare him 10 seconds to explain the radio function on his new phone.
yesterday night when he asked me to transfer some songs into his laptop, i told him they were in my PC and didnt bother to do it - even when i was merely surfing for dresses on the net.
when he said i should think abt getting a car only when i've graduated and got a stable job, the first thought that came to my mind was: that would take too long - what if i were to die suddenly a few months later? wont that be a regret?
god knows how stupid i am.
if i WERE to die tomoro, i think my only regret is that i havent told my parents in person before that i love them.
even though i'd scream at my mother whenever she took my things with or without permission, i love her for listening to my foolish boy-talk. for letting me shout at her in the face without giving me a tight slap. for still treating me like a little girl, even though i'm all of 19 years old.
as for my dad, all i've ever done is to take him for granted. i never thanked him for buying me a new handphone, a laptop or giving me the amt of pocket money which i dont really need. i never thanked him for waiting for time to pass in the office after work, just so that he could pick me up after tuition - even though he's tired and hungry. there were times he even apologised for coming 15mins late - i took that for granted too.
come to think of it, a car isnt important anymore.
if i have the amt of money equivalent to a car now, i'd take my whole family on a holiday to Europe. it has been my dad's dream since my bro and i were children.
right now, my dad's 47 and my mum's 45.
in 4 years' time, i want my parents to smile proudly and stand tall in the graduation hall because of me.
i want to have saved enough money so i can bring them for my graduation trip, to tour around Europe.
i learnt from TV that some children are born to chase for debts their parents owed them in the previous life, but i want to be a child who's considered a blessing.
♥ my red umbrella
23:57
Monday, October 30, 2006
busted.
the truth hit me like a bomb. or a punch in the stomach. or a slap in the face.
whatever it is, the feeling just wasnt good.
but its okay because when one door closes, supposedly another will open right?
if there's anything to be learnt from this episode, i learnt that friends are invincible.
thank you for the truth, for protecting me as a friend. =)
i custom-made a necklace for layhwee, and she's happy with the first design i emailed her! whoopee!
previously, huikeng and huiyu loved the necklaces i made for them as prezzies too..
i think the satisfaction derived from accessories-making is when they love what i designed for them, because i know what they like! hahhaha.
for this, i'd like to give 19% discount to any design i've previously came up with on my website, even the sold-out ones!
hohohho i doubt this post will even serve as publicity. =
yayy its exactly one more month and a day to my birthday!
♥ my red umbrella
11:00
in retrospect.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
hmm. i never thought of myself as a perfectionist, maybe more of an idealist. was chatting with a trusted friend of mine last night, and came to know that he and his buddy(whom is also my friend) had all along thought of me as someone who "aspire to live a taitai life".other phrases that sprung up were "he wants a simple life" and "wont live up to your expectations".im not sure if i should flattered or affronted.i thought long and hard abt it.i never thought of living a simple life. my aspirations, goals and dreams always had something "piang piang" abt it. i dont want just a decent car. i want a head-turneri dont want to have a normal admin job. i want authority, prestige and control.i dont want a normal 5-room flat. i see myself living in a designer home.perhaps, i dont like the idea of being average. to me, its either above-average, or i'd consider myself faring badly.everyone has dreams.mine just happen to be more of an ideal.i dont deny that reality is usually far from an ideal - but what harm is there in aiming far?i dont know whats my point in this entry.im just so bothered by the "i want to be taitai" image im portraying.which girl doesnt want to be a princess/queen in her own rights?maybe its time i lower my standards, so i wont get disappointed time and again.its not that i wish for something beyond myself, but i just thought maybe, the best is out there.its not that i like jumping in and out of wells, and take things lightly. i just thought that life is abt finding the right one and so if this well doesnt fit my butt, i should get out and look for another one.i dont even know if im making sense.i finally realised that my aspirations arent "simple"..time to drop back to a sensible level.cheers to all my friends who've found their 'simple happiness'. =)
♥ my red umbrella
20:56
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
i went clubbing for my very first time on saturday night! hahahha
went to mos cos it was cat's bday la.
dragged jiayun along with me - thank goodness i did!
if not i'd probably feel quite lost in there without her
anyway, i think once u enter the dancefloor u practically lose ur senses
the permanent smoke, the flashing lights and pounding music..
u'll feel a lot of people around you, but u cant see any faces clearly!
quite an experience la. =D
cy said once "i think u should fight for your own happiness" and i think thats very inspirational!
though it sounds cliche but when a good friend said that to my face sincerely (i think. lol!)
i kinda felt the meaning behind those words. esp when she's just been through a rough patch herself
anyway! im soooo excited about my bday!!
i think i'll have a theme for those coming... i'll make everyone wear dresses!! hahahhaha
and yayy, i believe i've rebound back to my old self already.
all thanks to the wonderful friends i have!memories and the past are meant to be reminisced, so i shant hope for anything more in future
feeelingggg ohhhh-so-highhh! =D
(quote lh wong again) ------------>> woh oh oh GET HIGH! yong shuang shou ba tian cheng kai..
lol!
♥ my red umbrella
01:15
Friday, October 20, 2006
thank you to the people who showed you cared.
im fine now.
have decided to move on, cos there simply isnt anything else i can do
i've yet to let go, but its okay - i'll deal with it
to make a long story short: (credits to lh wong for her amazing analogy)
i wanted a pair of pretty shoes soo much
but circumstances had it that i
thought it was sold out.
and then i sourced around for other pairs
bought several others, but not one made up for the loss of that pretty pair.
it was until someone else bought it right before my eyes
that i realised the prettiest pair of shoes has been waiting for me in the shop all these while.
yupp.
my thoughts that were tangled up yesterday finally broke free.
i'll be strong this time. =)
♥ my red umbrella
10:19
Thursday, October 19, 2006
shitty day + heartache = nightmares.
omg.a confession that came too late probably shouldnt have come at all.
but if it didnt, i wouldnt have known.
thank u for the truth, even if it hurts.
♥ my red umbrella
03:05
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
if given a choice of which sport you wish your boyfriend plays, which would you pick?
1) soccer (think mud)
2) basketball (think smelly armpits. LOL)
3) tennis
OF COURSE TENNIS RIGHT. hahahha.
i think guys who play tennis like a pro are veryy charming. i think they tend to have better tempers too. i've seen for myself, so i know. hehhehhee. i think i've matured in my tastes. lol
am feeling very shitty today.
i want this, i dont want that. i dont have enough of this, i have too much of that.
why like that.
♥ my red umbrella
23:33
Sunday, October 15, 2006
had a crazy night with my dearests. i swear i hadnt laughed that way for more than half a year!
=D
went to settlers' cafe near holland v to celebrate cy and lay's bdays. grrreat place! with the amount of fun we had at the price we paid for the food, i think it was well worth it. would definitely love to visit that humble and cozy place again! maybe next time we can visit the one huikeng's talking abt.
had a chat with cy tonight too. i think one of the best feelings in the world is to be able to connect with a friend who matters. and the worst feeling must be when u're left all alone, with no one to talk to and all your innermost thoughts just keep churning inside.
ahh seems like all i have to talk abt are my dearest friends and boring school. wish i had something more special to talk abt. hehhehe.
yayy my birthday's coming! ahh this year's pjc post-prom party is on 30th nov. but its a thursday and some of my dearests probably cant come cos they've got school the next day. and maybe the idea of attending a jc post-prom wont appeal to them too. but i wanna see him leh. =) ahhh i'm soo excited just thinking abt my bday! its the best day of the year to me! hahahha :D
♥ my red umbrella
01:35
Friday, October 13, 2006
ANYBODY who can help fix my blog, please contact me.
my posts dont appear on firefox, and the input area for the tagboard looks tiny on IE.
linhui even said the tagboard looks all white to her!
somebody HELP please!
♥ my red umbrella
00:56
met up with vicole and xiaohui today. though it was a short short 2hr dinner+photo-snapping thing, it felt so comfy! honestly, i wasnt looking forward to it in the first place. thought i'd feel left out, since i hadnt been in contact with them for the past many months while they've been meeting up. thankfully, there werent any awkward silences nor out-of-topic instances. everything came naturally and we chatted, laughed and yay, gossiped. (hehhehe)
xiaohui mentioned a summer school thing, going to LA for approx 2 months sounds very attractive. the idea of stepping out of singapura for school just screams out to me!
will be meeting the girls and lovely a01 on sat! am reallyy looking forward to it, except that i've got nothing pleasant to wear! argh
and i think a new environment just reminds me over and over again that old friends are best.
i miss bp and pjc so much. =(
♥ my red umbrella
00:14
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
say hello to my pretty blog. =)
♥ my red umbrella
23:01
