Tuesday, October 31, 2006
it's not that i want to add on to the already-tremendous load he has on his shoulders.
i understand, completely, the ardous task of having to churn out a lump sum of money for my brother's education, amidst paying for our high living expenses.
he dont necessarily have to go through all these, to give us what we want at the expense of himself.
i admit that im not the best daughter in the world.
he always claims that i am too simple-minded for my own good, but i didnt take heed - i didnt see anything wrong with simplicity.
i think i've hurt him deeply with my senseless thoughts again.
tonight, i broached the topic on wanting to own a car. again.
deep down i know that it is impossible, but i argued with him as though it isnt.
in my heart i had held onto that tiny speck of hope, even though i knew clearly that our financial status wouldnt allow it to happen.
he doesnt say a word, but i understand the silence between us.
he has been trying to give us the very best all the time, always going out of his way to give in to our demands.
he is getting older, but the load on his shoulders doesnt get any lighter.
my brother's leaving for aussie in about a year's time, but my dad has only saved enough for a year's expenses.
my brother cant stop talking abt it, he has been incessantly discussing exchange rates, bank accounts, accomodation fees etc. with my dad - i know it adds on to the pressure, but my dad simply swallows it and reciprocates the enthusiasm.
he has always been very patient with our demands and requests, but tonight i didnt even spare him 10 seconds to explain the radio function on his new phone.
yesterday night when he asked me to transfer some songs into his laptop, i told him they were in my PC and didnt bother to do it - even when i was merely surfing for dresses on the net.
when he said i should think abt getting a car only when i've graduated and got a stable job, the first thought that came to my mind was: that would take too long - what if i were to die suddenly a few months later? wont that be a regret?
god knows how stupid i am.
if i WERE to die tomoro, i think my only regret is that i havent told my parents in person before that i love them.
even though i'd scream at my mother whenever she took my things with or without permission, i love her for listening to my foolish boy-talk. for letting me shout at her in the face without giving me a tight slap. for still treating me like a little girl, even though i'm all of 19 years old.
as for my dad, all i've ever done is to take him for granted. i never thanked him for buying me a new handphone, a laptop or giving me the amt of pocket money which i dont really need. i never thanked him for waiting for time to pass in the office after work, just so that he could pick me up after tuition - even though he's tired and hungry. there were times he even apologised for coming 15mins late - i took that for granted too.
come to think of it, a car isnt important anymore.
if i have the amt of money equivalent to a car now, i'd take my whole family on a holiday to Europe. it has been my dad's dream since my bro and i were children.
right now, my dad's 47 and my mum's 45.
in 4 years' time, i want my parents to smile proudly and stand tall in the graduation hall because of me.
i want to have saved enough money so i can bring them for my graduation trip, to tour around Europe.
i learnt from TV that some children are born to chase for debts their parents owed them in the previous life, but i want to be a child who's considered a blessing.
♥ my red umbrella
23:57
